Emotional Intelligence as defined by Daniel Goleman has five domains:
1. Knowing your emotions.
2. Managing your own emotions.
3. Motivating yourself.
4. Recognizing and understanding other people’s emotions.
5. Managing relationships, ie., managing the emotions of others.
Live events, parties, family gatherings, actually anywhere there are other people around offers opportunities to have a number of conversations. So let’s say you’re at a live event at the traditional first-evening networking social event. You end up next to someone in the bar line and begin chatting. And after you both get your drinks the conversation continues.
At least you thought this was going to be a conversation. But it’s turned into a monologue. They’re doing all of the talking and apparently without needing to take a breath. And you’re being nice; making eye contact, periodically nodding your head, etc. But you can’t get a word in. And what they’re talking about was marginally interesting for a minute or two, but not for five or ten or more. But they think you’re fascinated. They think you’re on your toes with anticipation of what they might say next. This is the first sign that this person in Emotional Unintelligent. This type of Emotionally Unintelligent conversationalist is known as The Dominator.
But you so desperately want to leave this conversation. So you step it up on notch non-verbally. You break direct eye contact and move your eyes to each side hoping to catch the eye of someone you know who might come and rescue you. And breaking eye contact should non-verbally communicate to this person that they don’t have your complete attention. But it doesn’t work. They’re oblivious. So you begin to tilt your head to one side instead of nodding as you try to communicate that you don’t understand or don’t agree with what they’re saying. Nothing. They are still somehow talking non-stop with no breathing breaks.
You next try the tried-and-true techniques of glancing at your watch. Nope. They keep talking. You then move next to the newer-generation technique of glancing at your cell phone (maybe that’s your watch too). But they still don’t get it. They forge ahead with their self-focused monologue. Yes, this person is definitely lacking some in the empathy and reading body language department. They are Dominating.
So you become even more bold. You deliberately interrupt them to offer some feedback or you interrupt them to change the subject. Now they’re shocked. They are taken aback by your interruption. They seem upset that you would dare try to participate. After all they are so self-absorbed that they can’t imagine any other topic to be of more interest to you. So they quickly answer your question or make a quick comment on your suggested topic but then they pick up their monologue right where they left off and you’re stuck again being dominated.
For this poor, dominated attendee, they think this will be their entire evening. And they see no way out. They don’t know what to do. If they’re polite, they really don’t want to just turn and walk away. And if they pride yourself on telling the truth, they don’t want to stoop to saying something like, “You’ll have to excuse me, I’ve got some powerful abdominal cramps right now and need to use the rest room.” That will work, but most people won’t try it (chickens!).
My advice: don’t try to change this person. Don’t try to point out that a conversation is an exchange of ideas, sentiments, observations, or opinions and not a monologue. This is not your job and chances are this person is doing the best they can being as emotionally unintelligent as they appear to be.
So what do you do? Be direct. Be honest. And take control away from this Dominator. Here’s what I do and it works. Because it’s so obvious that one of the goals of a networking event is to network, to mingle, to mix, it’s okay if you do that. I simply interrupt both non-verbally and verbally. I hold up my hand like a stop sign and then quickly drop it to shake their end, which is a universally accepted way of ending a conversation. Then I simultaneously say, “I want to go mingle around some more now, it’s been great listening to you (rather than “great talking with you”, it’s a little dig – I can’t help myself), enjoy the rest of the event.” Then I turn and leave.
Or I say this, it is a variation what I suggested earlier, “I need to interrupt you as I have to use the restroom.” If they follow you to the restroom (I’ve seen it happen), I hope you are of different genders. And I hope they don’t wait for you at the entrance to the restroom. If they do, use this tactic: “I am meeting my friend right now over there, it’s been great listening to you, enjoy the rest of the event.”
If you both go into the same restroom, only stay in the stall for a count of five. Then leave and move far away from your original conversation spot, head to another rest room, and/or get into another conversation ASAP.
The Emotionally Unintelligent Dominator cannot be dominated. Don’t try. But you can leave at any time. Do it non-verbally, verbally, and then walk somewhere else. It works.